oliver's birth

i've been oscillating on how to tell you oliver's birth story.

you see, it's a moment that only nik and i were invited to {well, plus our midwife and doula, of course}, and so there's a part of me that wants to keep it that way. but then i also know how important a person's birth story is in their life, and so documenting that here makes sense. 

i think i'll find happiness somewhere in between. there are things i want to say about his birth that were crucial to both his development and mine. and there are things i want to leave out - i only want to share them with my husband and child. so here we go.

i woke up on sunday morning at about 2 to some very strong cramps. 

well, hold on. let me back up even more. oliver was due on the 18th. he was born on the 29th. so, yes, he was 11 days past due. at the time, people would hear that and would immediately respond with sympathy. but i never felt like that was needed. you see, i was perfectly content being pregnant. in fact, i'm one of those who loved being pregnant. and, i never really got to the point of being miserable. not even close; i was just fine with him taking his time. i guess i was taking my time, too. 

once we reached one week past his due date, our midwives suggested several homeopathic and natural methods of bring about labor. so, i started taking herbs, drinking teas. and then we moved into more serious territory - the breast pump. this was the trigger. it brought about cramps immediately, and within 36 hours we went from cramps only during pumping to full-fledged early labor. 

those 36 hours were a funny time. his birth was imminent, but we really were in limbo. we never quite knew how much food to grab at the grocery store. even still, we remained quite patient considering how eager we were to meet our baby. 

ok, so sunday at 2am was where we left off. up until this point, the cramping was something i could sleep through - nothing too terribly important or noticeable. but at 2am it was different. so, as directed by my midwives and doula, we went back to bed. 

i sent nik off to work, and went through the course of my day trying to get pockets of sleep in here and there. because although my cramps were quite intense, they were not close enough together to warrant any other action. 

i was so relieved when nik finally got home that evening after work. i had started to really feel alone, and i needed someone to share this with. he made us dinner, which i barely ate, and then we called our doula to come over. shortly thereafter, we left for the birthing center. 

our time at the birthing center is a blur for me. i can remember specific moments here and there, but i certainly don't have a comprehensive memory of our time there. and that - i'm sure - is part of nature's design. 

i will say this, though. i didn't read what was happening in my body as pain. to me it was intense. energy was coursing through my body with such magnitude that it made me understand how energy simply comes into existence for other natural events, like a severe thunderstorm. i found that the more that i was able to channel it, the more that i was able to relax.

this is another dichotomy of labor. you're essentially forcing your body to relax. because if you clench up, you're miserable. but if you can relax and let your body take over, it knows what to do.{ it's not like it's lollypops and candy canes when your forcing this relaxation, but it is much better than trying to fight it.}

we were at the birthing center for 20 hours before oliver finished his journey. and i finished mine.

and i know that that sounds like a lot of time. and if i had heard that from one of my friends i would've immediately dismissed it as something i could never do. two things are important here. one. i would never have believed that i was capable of this except that my body took over and showed my mind that it was wrong. and two, i realized somewhere in there that labor is over when my baby was in my arms. up until that point, it doesn't matter what time it is, or how long you've been at a certain dilation. 

there's one final thing i want to say about this. i certainly wavered along the way. but i knew before the birth what i needed to ensure that we would experience birth as it was intended. and for me, i needed a really strong team of people around me who expected a natural outcome. who knew that i, along with every other woman on earth, was created to accomplish this task that civilization is dependent on. without these i would have had a very different birth experience. and i would have been disappointed on the other side of it. 

as part of this, i owe my husband a lot. nik was phenomenally patient, undergoing labor with me. he absolutely experienced what i experienced but in a man's way. i know that might sound like i'm just trying to be nice about it, but he labored with me. he helped me through the difficult times, both the physical and mental. he kept me on track when i starting questioning whether to derail.

when they put oliver on my chest, it was a feeling of such surprise. like, "oh my, there was a baby in there!" i know that sounds nonsensical, but it's true. i kept saying, "this is my baby. this is my baby." it was a surreal moment for all three of us. 

i am so grateful that oliver will forever be ours.